Letting Go of Resentment: Learning to Love the Unlovable
Finding Compassion in Life’s Challenges and Embracing Forgiveness
Can I love the unlovable?
A couple of weeks ago, these words suddenly came to me as I dealt with a particularly frustrating issue—one of those moments that leave you feeling at the mercy of the world. The good old world—so very lovely and yet so often unjust. It does not care how kind or considerate you are, nor does it keep count of your good deeds. Instead, it moves relentlessly, crushing whoever stands in its way—good or bad, all the same.
It always amazes me how the practicality of life offers us the opportunity to dig a little deeper within ourselves, unearthing emotions and beliefs that have taken root over time. The things we thought we had resolved, those we struggle to digest, and those for which we cannot find words—all remain, buried beneath the surface. But it's the most unassuming events that have the power to unearth these emotions, causing quite a commotion as our unresolved selves suddenly come to light.
An Unexpected Catalyst for Change
An exchange of emails with my building's maintenance company infuriated and disheartened me. Hoping they would assist me and other residents in resolving an issue affecting our well-being, I instead realised that when dealing with large corporations, they often reduce you to just a number—not even a face. I felt genuinely upset, and for days, I could not find peace. My mind circled back to how life had not turned out as expected, how we had made different plans, and how, despite our best efforts, we still faced incompetence. I felt powerless and hopeless.
And then, in that moment of frustration, I saw that this annoying yet minor issue holds my feelings of worth, my disappointment, and, most of all, my resentment.
Recognising Hidden Resentment
Me, resentful? No way. I am a nice person—kind and considerate. There is no way I could be harbouring resentment. Unforgiving, perhaps, but not resentful. It’s funny the things we come to believe about ourselves, even when a little voice inside whispers that we might be holding on to more than we care to admit.
The truth is, I come from a family plagued by resentment. Growing up, mistakes were never forgotten. Regardless of the place or occurrence, we'd tell the same old stories, painting one another as sinners unworthy of redemption. In my family, we could offer forgiveness to strangers—never to each other and certainly never to ourselves.
Loving the Unlovable
But when you wish to live big, you must unearth whatever keeps you rooted in smallness. It must come into the light, where its healing message can be revealed. 'You’ve got to love the unlovable,' I heard myself say as I recognised the sheer weight of resentment trapped within me. It longed to be released, to transform into much-needed medicine for my wounded heart.
But how can I love what causes me pain? How can I embrace what has let me down? Surely, resentment is a necessary guardian—a way to ensure others never hurt us again. 'Yes, I see you may have changed, but the damage is done,' we bitterly tell the other. "I will hold on to your mistake, so you will never come too close again." Resentment is how a heartbroken heart survives. But it also creates a very small life—one in which true joy can never flourish.
Finding Freedom in Forgiveness
While the issue with my building may not be resolved anytime soon, I have felt an opening within my inner home since my dealings with our infamous maintenance company. I have had a good, deep clear-out, handing over my burdens to the greater intelligence that holds the weight of the world. That which helps us see ourselves in others and reminds us that being human often means being very small—and very lost.
Loving the unlovable does not mean looking at everything through rose-tinted glasses. There will always be things in life too painful or inconceivable to acknowledge, let alone accept. But when we view our often flawed humanness with compassion, we can find peace in our hearts as we navigate this challenging world.
Beloved friend, may you release the weight that buries your heart. May you free yourself from the chains of resentment. And whenever you feel wronged by others, may you remember that we are all children—just learning to play the game of life.